English

About English language 
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1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He was reading as the train sped through Reading

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

ادامه نوشته

Teachers

Where do all the teachers go?

Where do all the teachers go
When its four o’clock?
Do they live in houses
... And do they wash their socks?

Do they wear pajamas?
And do they watch TV?
And do they pick their noses
The same as you and me?

Do they live with other people
Have they mums and dads?
And were they ever children
And were they ever bad?

Did they ever, never spell right
Did they ever make mistakes?
Were they punished in the corner
If they pinched the chocolate flakes?

Did they ever lose their hymn books
Did they ever leave their greens?
Did they ever scribble on the desktop
Did they wear old dirty jeans?

I’ll follow one back home today
I’ll find out what they do
Then I’ll put it in a poem
That they can read to you.
- Peter Dixon

English

English:
A Crazy Language

---

This crazy language, English, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Life tips

How can you "SM_LE" Without "I"?

How can you be "F_NE" without "I"?  

How can you "W_SH" Without "I"?

How can you be "FR_END" without"I"?

"I" am very important!  

But this 'I' can never achieve S_CCESS without 'U'
and that makes 'you' more important than 'I'."

humor

Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.* You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

English:
A Crazy Language

 

This crazy language, English, is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every seven humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

If u luv some1

Shakespeare:
If you love someone,
Set her free....
If she ever comes back, she"s yours,
If she doesn"t, here"s the poison, suicide yourself for her.
شکسپير:
اگه عاشقه كسي شدي،
بهش نچسب، بزار بره
اگه برگشت كه ماله توئه
اگر برنگشت، سم كه داري، خودتو بکش!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
.

ادامه نوشته

funny quotes

Funny quotes

 

 

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
همه دوست دارن برن بهشت..ولی هیشکی نمیخواد بمیره

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

وقتی پای ارث و میراث به میون میاد ،.یهو 500 تا فامیل پیدا میکنی

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

همیشه از یه آدم بدبین قرض بگیر  واسه این که هیچوقت انتظار نداره پولش رو بر گردونی

 You spend the first 2 years of your children's life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up

شما دوسال اول زندگی بچه هاتون رو صرف آموزش حرف زدن و راه رفتن به اونا میکنین
و سپس شونزده سال بقیه رو صرف این میکنین که بگین یه جا بشینن و حرف نزنن

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
فعلا شاد باش  ..چرا؟/چون بدبختی بزرگ در راهه

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
وقتی یه کار درستی میکنی هیچ کسی یادش نمیمونه...وقتی یه کار اشتباه میکنی ..هیچ کسی فراموشش نمیکنهThere are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
همیشه تو یه دعوا 3 جبهه وجود داره...جبهه شما...جبهه من  و بالاخره جبهه ای که حرف حق میزنه

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
مشاور کسی هست که موضوعی رو که شماBefore borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

قبل از این که از دوستت پول قرض بگیری ..اول فکر کن به کدومشون بیشتر احتیاج داری : پول یا دوستت

 You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
شما سرعت سیر نور رو میدونین ...ولی سرعت سیر تاریکی چقدره؟؟؟؟

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
تا حالا فکر کردی اگه نوماس ادیسون نبود..مجبور بودیم تو تاریکی تلویزیون نگاه کنی

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it

به من بگو به چی احتیاج مبرم داری تا بهت بگم چه جوری میتونی بدون اون هم سر کنی

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again

محتاج دیگران بودن مث احتیاج به چتر نجات زمان پرش از هواپیما  هست...اگه اون زمانی که لازمشون داری نباشن ..فرصت دیگه ای برای نیاز به اون ها پیدا نخواهی کرد

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

روی کی برد زندگی همیشه یه انگشتت رو  روی Escape key نگه دار و یه راه گریزی واسه خودت بزار ...

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

هیچ وقت با یه آدم احمق بحث نکن .مردم شاید تفاوت بین شما دو نفر رو تشخیص ندن

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

هر کسی ممکنه اشتباه کنه ..ولی نکته مهم اینه که وقتی اشتباه میکنی کسی نفهمه

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laughter is the best medicine.

 

 

 

زنها بخوانند

 

28 دليل محكم براي اينكه به زن بودن خود افتخار كنيد

1- نام هر گل و زيبايي در طبيعت است را روي شما مي‌گذارند.

2- هنگامي كه رنگ پريده يا بيمار هستيد با كمي وسايل آرايش مي‌توانيد خود را زيباتر كنيد و هيچ كس هم از شما ايرادنمي‌گيرد( كاري كه بسياري از آقايان مد روز يواشكي انجام مي‌دهند).

3- تمام شاعران ايران زمين در وصف گل روي شما هزاران شعر گفته و خط و خال و چشم و ابروي شما را ستوده اند.

4- مجبور نيستيد سر كار برويد و پول يك ماه كار و تلاشتان را برنج و گوشت و نخود و لوبيا بخريد.

5- به راحتي و با اعتماد به نفس هر وقت كه لازم بود گريه مي كنيد و غم و غصه هايتان را در دل جمع نمي كنيد تا سكته كنيد.

6- عمرتان بسيار طولاني است.

7- آنقدر حرف براي گفتن داريد كه هرگز كم نمي‌آوريد.

8- هميشه يك عالمه دوست و رفيق ناب داريد و كمتر گرفتار رفيق ناباب مي شويد.

9- هرگز در حمام خود را گربه شور نمي كنيد.

10- بزرگ شده ايد و كمتر براي طرفداري از تيم قرمز و آبي يا اين حزب و آن حزب جلز و ولز كرده و كركري مي خوانيد.

11- ريش و سبيل نداريد كه موقع آب خوردن قبل از خودتان سبيلتان آب بنوشد.

12- عشق و هنر ابداع شماست.

13- هميشه جوان تر از سنتان هستيد و هيچ كس نمي داند شما چند ساله ايد.

14- از سن 9سالگي به بلوغ عقلي و جسمي مي‌رسيد و حالاحالاها بايدبدوند تا به پاي شما برسند!.

15- بهشت زير پاي شماست.

16- اگر موهايتان مرتب نبود يا وقت براي مرتب كردنشان نداشتيد، با سركردن يك روسري قضيه حل است.

17- هميشه در كيفتان آينه داريد و موقعي كه در سلف سرويس دانشگاه قورمه سبزي مي‌خوريد يك دانه لوبيا لابه لاي سبيلتان جا خوش نمي

كند.

18- هميشه تميز ونظيف و خوشبو هستيد.

19- به وزنتان اهميت مي دهيد و شكمتان جلوتر از خودتان وارد اتاق نمي شود.

20- هميشه مقداري پول براي روز مبادا داريد كه جز خودتان هيچ كس از جاي آن خبر ندارد.

21- مجبور نيستيد از اين خانه به آن خانه برويد و خواستگاري كنيد، مثل خانمها در خانه مي‌نشينيد تا ديگران با كلي منت و خواهش و التماس و گل و هديه!!! از شما اجازه ي حضور بگيرند.

22- مي‌توانيد موهايتان را بلند يا كوتاه كنيد و هر نوع لباسي كه دوست داشتيد بپوشيد از شلوار تا دامن... و هرنوع كفشي را بپسنديد به پا كنيد از اسپرت تا پاشنه سه سانتي و بالاتر.

23- مجبورنيستيدبارهاي سنگين را جابه جا كنيد يا تن به مشاغل سخت و پايين بدهيد چراكه شما يك خانم هستيد!.

24- حق تقدم با شماست.

25- مرد از دامن شما به معراج مي رود.

26- هرگز از فرط خشم نعره نمي كشيد و از فرط حسادت كبود نشده و خون راه نمي اندازيد.

27- نيم بيشتر صندلي هاي دانشگاه ها را شما تصاحب كرده ايد.

28- ضعيف كش نيستيد و دق و دلي رئيس اداره تان را در خانه خالي نمي كنيد.

... و اگر خوب فكر كنيد مي بينيد كه صدها دليل محكم ديگر وجود دارد كه شما به زن بودن خود افتخار كنيد.